I sat next to my teen son as he ate, his messy poof of hair spilling into his half-awake eyes. “Sleep well?” I asked. He grunted a reply. I nodded, sipping my coffee. When he finished, he dumped his bowl in the sink and disappeared from the kitchen. It was hard not to feel disappointment. This was the kid who used to amuse me with his tireless energy—my buddy. Boy, how things have changed! So, what do you do when your teenager won’t talk to you anymore?
There’s nothing more frustrating. Whether it’s the silent treatment (grr) or just the way things have become since he’s entered adolescence, here are 5 things you can do when your teenager won’t talk to you.
1. Avoid freaking out or asking tons of questions.
It’s painful when our teens won’t talk to us, but pulling away from us is a normal part of growing up. Pummeling them with questions or guilting our kids into talking is guaranteed to backfire and not help the relationship.
Try this instead: The Child Mind Institute says that “pulling away from parents is not only normal but also a necessary developmental stage of adolescence.” When your teenager won’t talk to you, focus more on positive interactions. Share what’s happening in your life, and maybe he’ll open up about his own.
2. Don’t take it to heart.
On the drive to school, I asked my daughter some questions, and she ignored me. It really frustrated me. So, what do you do when your teenager won’t talk to you? The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive way for your teen to gain the upper hand. But as behavioral specialist James Lehman, MSW advises, we shouldn’t take teens’ behavior personally because it might lead to a fight. “Fighting tells your child that he controls your emotions. Don’t give your child that power.”
Try this instead: Try changing the subject to ease the tension in the car (or the house). If the silent treatment is ongoing, continue to make yourself available so you’ll be there for her when she’s ready.
3. Set appropriate limits.
Keep in mind that teens are emotional and mood swings are a part of adolescence. But if he’s rolling his eyes at you and not answering, you still need to let him know he’s being disrespectful and that’s not OK.
Try this: Lehman suggests saying, “’Not responding to me is not going to solve your problem. When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here. Until then, no cell phone use.’” This way, you’re not pressuring your child, but he has incentive to talk to you.
4. Maintain perspective and stay present.
When I was a teen, I spent more time confiding in my diary than spilling my heart to my parents. What about you? When your teen isn’t talking to you, keep things in perspective by reminding yourself how you were during those years. Also, teens have a lot of academic and social stress, and they may just have more on their minds than a desire to talk.
Try this: Knock on his door to check in. Fold your laundry in the kitchen while he does homework. Text him a funny meme just so he knows you’re thinking about him. Lisa Lowery, MD, an adolescent medicine subspecialist advises parents to check in with them now and then. “Don’t worry if they’re not always long, meaningful conversations. Sometimes it’s enough to just let them know you’re there for them and that they can come to you.’”
5. Work to strengthen your relationship.
I started jogging in the evenings and inviting my son along. For me, it’s easier not to talk, but it turns out, he likes using this time to tell me about things that interest him. Because I’m not bringing up grades or hygiene, I think it isn’t a coincidence that he keeps accepting my invitations for runs!
Try this: Look for fun things to do with your teenager. Avoid hot-button topics and let him lead the conversation. A comfortable silence between you isn’t bad either. You’re spending time together, and he knows he’s a priority. Your teen still needs you (even if he doesn’t act like it)!
How do you feel when your teenager won’t talk to you?
