My girlfriends and I have a guilty pleasure of a certain reality show that features singles who “date” in little rooms called pods. There’s a wall that divides the room, which means the couples can’t see each other, so physical attraction is removed from the equation. Because of the intimate and intense conversations, many fall in love fast, and some propose. In a big reveal, the engaged couple sees each other and soon takes the next step toward marriage. It’s a wild ride.
Within a couple of weeks, they meet each other’s parents. Can you imagine going through this with your son or daughter? Like some of the parents on the show, I think I’d question my kid’s sanity. While our kids probably won’t end up on a reality show, they likely will get married, so teach them these 5 things to prepare them to be a good spouse.
1. Love is a choice, not a feeling.
If you want your child to be a good spouse someday, one of the most important things to teach is that love is action, not emotion. We can show sacrificial love all the time. It doesn’t require either spouse to act lovable.} Thank goodness!
Your kids can learn that love is a choice when they see you forgive when you have a reason to be angry, pick up a mess you didn’t make without copping an attitude, or give without asking for anything in return.
2. There’s a right way to fight.
In a study called “Constructive Marital Conflict Is Not an Oxymoron,” Howard Markman, Ph.D. found that 37 percent of newlyweds admit to being more critical of their partner post-wedding. You’re probably cataloging that stat under “no duh.”
Conflict in marriage is inevitable, but it’s a blessing. Knowing that you and your spouse have differences but choose each other anyway leads to deeper trust and intimacy. But toxic fighting styles and mishandling conflict can be lethal to a marriage. Here are 5 ways to teach your kids how to argue well and 6 ways to help them handle conflict.
3. Soulmates are made, not found.
I worked with a man who, on his desk, had a picture of his wife in a frame etched with the word “soulmate.” I was single then and imagined marriage must be easy for them. Wouldn’t it be magical to find someone who’s my perfect match?
I don’t think their marriage was a cakewalk, but as someone looking to be married, the idea of soulmates set me up for unrealistic expectations. No matter who you marry, marriage is hard because it requires self-sacrifice. Teach your kids that a gift and goal in marriage is growing in spiritual oneness and intimacy. They can do that through prayer, conversations about life, and supporting one another emotionally.
4. There’s no excuse for dishonesty.
If kids grow up in a home where lying and secrets are condoned, what would make them think lying isn’t acceptable in marriage? Our kids see the things we do, and when we cover up the truth with lies, we coach them to do the same. They learn they can get away with things by lying or that there are issues our spouses can’t be trusted with, leaving lying as the only option.
Being forthcoming with your husband about things like finances and emotions models for kids that a good spouse should always tell the truth and be willing to listen to the truth.
5. Say what you mean and understand what you hear.
In their book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott shared research comparing how well couples communicated while engaged to how well they communicated six years into their marriage. The research found that the earlier they learned effective communication skills, the greater their chances for a successful marriage.
When your kids talk to you and use sarcasm or passive-aggressive language, ask them to try again. Say, “Please tell me what you actually mean,” or “What’s your real question?” Model good listening skills with phrases like, “What I hear you saying is…” If these habits become part of your family’s communication, your kids will naturally carry them into their own relationships.
What else do you want to teach your kids about being a good spouse?
