My daughter earned some money last week and decided to buy a LEGO set. When it arrived, she spent the entire afternoon putting it together. Sure, she got interrupted for dinner, and at one point, she lost a few pieces under the couch. But she didn’t quit until that whole thing looked like the picture. When I reminded her she still had math homework, she said “Oh, it’s hard. I’ll just ask Ms. C how to do it tomorrow.” I wondered then: Why couldn’t her LEGO-building grit carry over to math?
We want our kids to develop grit so when they become adults, they can handle work, parenting, and marital challenges that might arise. At a young age, your kids might have grit, but how do you encourage them to persevere with the not-fun challenges they’d rather avoid? Here’s where you might spot grit, plus 5 ways to encourage more grit for kids.
1. Teach kids how to manage their frustration.
“Look, honey. You worked really hard to learn how to ride a bike,” I said to my son. “You had grit.” He heaved a sigh. “But I wanted to ride the bike. I knew it’d be fun to race down the street.” I squeezed his shoulder. “Of course, it is. But it wasn’t easy while you were learning. You stuck with it. I know you can improve your reading too if you don’t give up.”
I opened the book. “Let’s just focus on this first page. Go slowly. Word by word.” Breaking down big challenges into smaller, easier steps can help ease the frustration and make a daunting task look doable. Plus, if he feels he can master these small steps, he’ll develop the much-needed grit over time as well.
2. Validate how they feel.
“You’re frustrated. I get it. This is tough, bud.” If you want your child to develop grit, don’t skip this very important step! Psychologist and author Eileen Kennedy-Moore says, “Learning to tolerate these feelings can help children persist.” Avoid the “You can do it!” pep talk, especially if they’re already feeling low. They’ll just argue that no, they can’t. Instead, when we acknowledge how they feel (without agreeing with any negative self-talk such as “I’m stupid” or “I’m terrible”), we give our kids support and show them we’re on their side.
Feeling big emotions can be hard for kids, but knowing their mom is with them and understands can make the moment easier and pass quicker. You could say, “You’re feeling embarrassed about…” Or “You’re discouraged with…”
3. Don’t rescue him from the struggle.
With anything new, there will be ups and downs. Kids pick up some things fast while others take time. Letting your child work through the struggle gives him the chance to grow from it and develop grit. After all, learning is a process.
Resist the urge to jump in and solve things for her. Scholastic writer Jennifer Fink says to help your child by talking through the problem: “Help her to think through what the steps might be instead of telling her what they are.” You could say, You look stuck. What do you think is another way of tackling this problem?
4. Share your own stories of struggles.
“I remember sitting at the dining room table with my mom every night, working on multiplication tables too,” I said to my daughter. “It took a long time to memorize all those math facts.”
Kennedy-Moore says we don’t want to share stories that “unintentionally give your child the message that the difficulty is inborn or unchangeable.” In other words, don’t say, “I’m bad at math, too.” But you also don’t want to imply that you mastered something, so why can’t your child? This could discourage her. Instead, you want to offer hope and “present yourself as a fellow traveler.” You want to relate to her struggle and convey your faith in her ability to move past it.
5. Downplay any comparisons your child makes to other kids.
“Everyone knew the answer but me,” my son said one evening. I knew he felt crummy, but comparing himself to others wasn’t going to help. “OK, so some kids knew the answer. Great,” I said, sitting down to look at his homework with him. “Let’s figure out where you got stuck.”
Even though it may look like other kids have a grasp on things, no doubt there are others struggling. But comparing himself to other kids does no good. Grit for kids comes from learning how to push through the discomfort of learning something new and hard. Set aside time each day to encourage your child to practice. As Fink says, “Even naturally gifted people have to work hard to hone their ability with hours of practice.”
What does grit look like in your kids?
