On my first day of school many years ago, I sat in the shade of a leafy, old maple, my arms wrapped around my legs. “Hi! I’m Lainey!” a voice said beside me. “Wanna play?” I turned to find a girl my age, smiling brightly. A few minutes later, we raced to the swings. Looking back now, I think, “If only making friends were that easy all the time!”
But kids can learn how to make it look easy by breaking down the process into a few proactive moves. Sure, it’ll take a little boldness. But with some effort, kids who are committed to making new friends can. Here’s how to help your child make friends by using these 4 strategies.
1. Make the first move. (Don’t be afraid!)
Your child doesn’t have to be the most outgoing kid to make a new friend, but he does need a little courage to get things started. It’s easier sometimes to approach a person on his own than in a group. So have your child look for an opportunity to befriend someone who might be standing alone—at their locker, on the playground, or at the end of class. How to help your child make friends starts with being vulnerable and unguarded. Getting hurt or rejected is a risk. But most often, people are kind.
Starting a new friendship takes guts. “Can I sit here?” “You’re invited to my birthday party.” “What’s your number?” Other bold moves for kids could include texting someone a homework question, inviting someone to play or hang out, and asking someone to be their partner in class.
2. Smile and make eye contact.
Eye contact is powerful. You can communicate so much with your eyes, and when you’re looking for friends, the message is openness to others and a willingness to engage. When you add a smile, eye contact is especially effective.
Most people, including those at MIT who give new students advice, would say that eye contact “plays a key role in a social interaction.” It shows you’re interested in another person. Without it, how will another child know you want to make friends? Try to build your child’s confidence in this department. For example, you could tell your child he has a great smile or that when she makes eye contact, she looks really self-assured.
3. Give your name; then ask theirs.
This is another move that takes courage but gets easier with practice. When my son started a new school, I’d ask, “Who’d you meet?” He said he talked to some kids but didn’t get names. It’s hard. Giving your name to someone is like giving a small piece of yourself, and it requires trust. What will this person do with my name? Will he make fun of it? Run away? But making friends requires some risk. Without it, there will be no gains.
When our dog rolls over and lets us rub her belly, she’s telling us she trusts us. So now, I’ll try to encourage my son to reach out to others by saying, “Show’em your belly!” He knows I mean, “Take the risk! Trust others! Be brave!”
4. Follow up (without being annoying).
“Go over and ask if you can play,” I encouraged my daughter one afternoon on the school playground. At 8, she clung to me, wanting to stay in the comfort of my shadow. But eventually, she did join a group of girls, and moments later, she had a huge smile on her face.
Want to know how to help your child make friends if your child’s older? Have her send a follow-up text to see how someone’s doing or encourage her to invite someone out for decaf lattes. Making effort—even if it’s not her default mode—is key. Real friendships take work. And your child’s efforts will show another person she’s interested in being friends. There’s nothing wrong with making that clear. It’ll also show the new friend what fun your child is and maybe then, the new friend will realize, This is someone I wanna be friends with!
How to help your child make friends may depend on your kid’s age and gender. How is it different for boys and girls?
