“I’ve got one more problem!” my son said, staring at the computer screen. “You’ve been on that last problem for a while now,” I said. He swiveled around to face me, his frustration evident in his eyes. “I know!” he said. “I’m just having a hard time. I can’t figure out how carbohydrates process energy. Do you know?” My eyes bugged and I said, “Don’t look at me. I studied that stuff decades ago.” He groaned. And I groaned a little bit with him. Stress in my children made me stressed too.
When our kids have stress, or any level of anxiety, we want to help. We tell them to get more sleep and eat right. But there’s more we can do, and it starts with these 5 actions to dial down stress in children.
1. Be a calm presence.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly a person my kids would call “chill.” I can get a little animated. But I’m learning that stress, like germs, can be contagious.
As William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson say in their book, The Self-Driven Child, don’t pass on “secondhand stress.” The author of Imperfect Parenting, Dona Matthews, PhD, adds, “Your child is exquisitely attuned to your feelings and moods. The more sensitive they are, the less safe they feel when you are anxious, impatient, or irritable.” So, commit to managing your own stress—exercise, have some downtime, and get enough sleep. And if you’re feeling stressed (and he’s the cause), try to give him space so you don’t compound it.
2. Accept your kids as they are.
The more I told my daughter she should go out for the volleyball team, the more stressed she felt. Ultimately, I backed off, because I didn’t like the tension brewing between us.
Stress in children can increase when we convey the message that we don’t approve of them or the way they’re doing things. Does his disregard of personal hygiene bother you? Does her fixation on clothing trends annoy you? Do you wish your child would get more exercise, stay off her phone, or stop rolling her eyes so much? The reality of the moment is this is who your child is right now. But she has a long life ahead of her, and it doesn’t mean whatever she’s going through will last forever. Give her some encouragement with our 100 Words of Encouragement for Kids printable!
3. Prioritize enjoying your kid.
When your child walks into the room, what’s your reaction? Happiness, or something else? Stixrud and Johnson say your child “needs to feel the joy of seeing your face light up.” Why? Because this feeling is “incredibly powerful and important for his self-esteem and sense of well-being.” If your child feels you’re happy to see him, that’s one less thing in his world to worry about.
If you’re not enjoying your kid right now, figure out why. Maybe you’re too involved with his life to be able to relax and have fun. Maybe it’s work or marital stress. Dig deep so your face will genuinely break into a smile when he appears.
4. Don’t live in fear of what might happen.
We all worry about our kids’ future. But Stixrud and Johnson warn, “If you worry constantly about the possibility that your child will fall in the small category of kids who chronically struggle, you’re only making matters worse.” Instead, try to take the long view.
Is your child struggling with friendships or with fitting in? Is he having a hard time organizing his schoolwork? As Stixrud and Johnson say, we should remind ourselves that who he is now is “not who he will always be.” The brain continues to develop into a person’s twenties, so hang in there.
5. Give up trying to control or oversee everything in your kid’s life.
Stress in children can contribute to insufficient sleep, which can then make it harder to focus in school. If we want to dial down our kid’s stress, we need to take a step back. Let him make more of his own decisions. It’s a learning process and if he messes up in some way, he’ll learn from that experience. We’ve been the overseers of our kids’ lives for so long, but as they get older, we need to accept that we can’t control everything. We shouldn’t be the reason for their stress. And we can’t be the reason for their success—they have to figure it out for themselves.
Stress in children can spread. How do you de-stress when it gets to you?
