“My teacher said it has to be a five-paragraph essay!” my elementary-aged son said. “And it’s due on Friday. I don’t know how to start!” He had panic written all over him, and though I’m sure his teacher hadn’t just thrown the kids into the deep end with this assignment, I could tell that’s how he felt. After I had my stressed-out child take a few deep breaths, we sat down together to come up with a plan.
A lot of situations can cause this type of stress! Whether your child’s trying to make new friends, master a new skill, or achieve his academic goals, it’s easier for kids to tackle tough things in bits. By breaking things down into manageable chunks, kids can grow their confidence to achieve the big prize, whatever that is. Building confidence in kids is easier if you go bit by bit with these 3 building blocks for success.
1. Have your child start small with something doable.
When my son struggled to make friends, I realized it wasn’t because kids had rejected him. It was because he felt too shy to strike up conversations. “Start by making eye contact and smiling,” I said. “Try to do that with five people today.” After a few days with that challenge, we moved up to greetings. “Say ‘hi’ or ‘how’s it going’,” I said. The next step required that he ask a question: “How was your weekend?” or “What’d you think of the homework?” Making new friends didn’t happen overnight. It took time. But over time, and with little successes along the way, his confidence grew.
Sometimes, kids just don’t know how or where to start. Clinical psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore says, “Breaking a task into small steps may make it seem less overwhelming.” If, little by little, a child can find success with small challenges, he might go after bigger challenges with some added sense of self-esteem.
Building confidence in kids takes time.
2. Applaud your kiddo’s early success.
Last year, my daughter had to memorize two piano pieces for her recital. She didn’t think she could do it and felt overwhelmed. “They’re both four pages looong!” So, she procrastinated. Days before the performance, her crankiness and tears made everyone stressed and upset. This year, I’m going to encourage her to start earlier and go measure by measure, line by line. Playing through the entire song on repeat, hoping it’ll stick, didn’t work. I’m going to remind her of that!
Once she gets a few measures down, we’ll celebrate that success. Kennedy-Moore says children who are perfectionists sometimes have a hard time getting started because they think “if their work isn’t perfect, then it must be worthless.” Is this your child? Kennedy-Moore also advises small steps for kids who like to procrastinate. They’ll feel proud of accomplishing something, and it’ll give them hope for the rest of the task.
Hope can carry kids through a challenging project or high-reaching goal.
3. Your child can then move forward with momentum, building on previous successes.
The first year my son had to sell popcorn door-to-door for Boy Scouts, he told me, “I’m scared.” We practiced at home, and then he headed out with his dad. Once he got his first sale, it got easier. The following year, the nervousness returned. “Remember how the Brophys invited you inside to chat? They really liked you,” my husband said. “And they bought quite a bit of popcorn!” My son nodded. Once he got going, it again got easier. And every year since, his confidence has grown because of his previous success.
Once your child makes it through the gates, the rest of the race feels doable. The momentum can carry him to the end. Kennedy-Moore says, “Children with low self-esteem often imagine that demands are much larger and more complicated than they really are.” Remind your kid of how far he’s come, and once he experiences his first bit of success, step back a little, and let him carry more of the burden himself. He’ll grow his confidence in the process.
Focus only on the next step. Taking it bit by bit can slowly build confidence in kids.
Building confidence in kids is a challenge for all moms. What advice can you offer to other moms struggling with this topic?
