As our kids grow, it’s normal for anxiety and fear to pop up in them sometimes. In fact, when your young child is reluctant to let you leave—or having separation anxiety—it’s actually a healthy response in young children. And it indicates something important.
Your kid is developing a healthy attachment. And while it’s hard to watch, it’s important to remember that most of the time, a few minutes after you’ve left, your child is just fine. Separation anxiety won’t last forever, and it’ll get easier once you know these important facts.
Temperament plays a role.
Some children seem more irritable and clingy as infants, have more trouble establishing a regular daily schedule, and have more difficulty with transitions. And it’s more enduring than a couple of months of colic. Due to their temperament, such children may be more vulnerable to separation anxiety and may require more work and attention. But having a more difficult temperament as a baby doesn’t necessarily lead to problems in later childhood.
What does separation anxiety look like?
Separation anxiety generally emerges around nine months and peaks between 12 and 24 months. The child’s crying and clinging can express two different messages. First, these children may cry when the parent leaves because they fear that the parent will be gone forever. The second situation is when the child, often after a fairly good day, begins to cry when the parent returns. This is because the parent’s return reminds the child of how he or she felt when the parent left. Sometimes, children between one and two years of age may walk or crawl away themselves and then become anxious at the separation they themselves have created.
Separation anxiety generally decreases between 2 and 3 years of age. The child often tends to be shy with strangers, but morning separations become easier. The degree of separation difficulty may vary from day to day. One day, the child may be eager to go and another day, clingy and sad. Many 2-year-olds go through a phase when they prefer a particular parent. This can exhaust the desired parent and make the other parent feel unloved. Transition times can be difficult and lead to temper tantrums, but the goal is to build a self-reliant child.
For toddlers, those who have had either very few or very frequent separations from loved ones experience the most separation anxiety. Adults also experience anxiety when separated from loved ones, but it is usually not so overwhelming. The adult has a better concept of time and has had more experience dealing successfully with separation.
What factors may contribute to separation anxiety?
- Tiredness
- Minor or major illness
- Changes in the household routine
- Family changes such as the birth of a sibling, divorce, death, or illness
- Change in caregiver or routine at a daycare center
What factors may reduce the chances of developing separation anxiety?
- Start occasionally using a babysitter by six months of age. This helps the child tolerate short periods away from the parent and encourages him or her to build trust in other adults.
- Even though children of this age do not engage in cooperative play, they start contact with peers by 12 months. By age 3, the child should be experiencing play groups.
- Some form of preschool may be helpful by age 3 or 4. This is especially important for children who seem overly dependent on parents.
How can we support a child through periods of separation anxiety?
- Facilitate positive experiences with caregivers other than parents, for short periods of time at first.
- Help the child become familiar with new surroundings and people before actually leaving the child there.
- Establish rituals for bedtime and morning.
- A “Lovie” or “Cuddly” represents closeness to parents. If possible, allow the child to take the “Lovie” along.
- Do not give in. Let the child know he or she will be all right.
- Remind the child of previous brave things he or she has done. Talk about how a fictional character might handle it.
- Let the child know, in words he or she can understand, that you appreciate how distressing it must be to be separated from loved ones. Offer understanding and acceptance, but not excessive sympathy.
- Never make fun of a child’s separation distress. Do not scold a child for it.
- Do not bribe a child to mask the distress. If you plan a special activity for after you pick the child up, let it be unconditional.
- Focus on the positive things that happened in daycare. Don’t let the child dwell on fears or imagination of what might happen.
- Minimize fears by limiting scary TV shows.
- If it is an older child, consider introducing him or her to some of the children who are to be in the class and arranging play dates in advance.
- Prepare the child by reading books about going to preschool or pretending to go on voyages or quests.
- Make shopping for school supplies a special event just for that child.
- Expect a child to be more tired and possibly more irritable than usual when starting kindergarten or first grade for the first few weeks.
- When leaving, give a quick kiss and hug and cheerfully say goodbye.
- Don’t prolong your departure or come back several times.
- Don’t sneak out of the room.
- Even if you feel that a strict teacher or a bully might be part of the problem, keep your child going to school while these problems are being handled.
- If your child does stay home, do not make it an extra fun, gratifying day.
When should I consider seeking professional help?
- If the child has been inconsolable for more than two weeks
- If the child makes repeated physical complaints in the morning before preschool
- If the separation anxiety continues into the elementary school years and interferes with activities that other children do at that age
- If the child has no separation anxiety at any time
School refusal in an older child or adolescent is often a more serious problem. In such a case, the parent should seek professional help early.
Taken with permission from AllProDad.com.
