“You woke up last. You make the bed,” I said to my husband early in our marriage. When he made the bed, I followed behind him, straightening the duvet and fixing the pillows until it met my standard.
As I ironed the sheet with my hand one morning, I heard my husband singing in the kitchen. I watched as he two-stepped and spooned espresso into the pot. For the years I had nagged about the bed, I had never noticed him making happy coffee for me. Now, our mornings start out peacefully—I make the bed and he makes the coffee. I’ve learned to notice what my husband does more than what he doesn’t. When you pay attention to your spouse, you’ll see new things to appreciate and love, too. Start by using these 6 ways to notice your spouse.
1. Notice his contributions.
While I’m sure to forget a bill or two, my husband has an app that tracks the bills before they arrive. I wrote a “thank you for paying our bills” note once. My husband laughed, then placed it with our important documents.
It’s easy to overlook your husband’s everyday contributions—lawn care, house maintenance, or being the on-call plumber. But when you pay attention to your spouse and acknowledge his contributions, he knows you see, hear, and appreciate him.
2. Notice his strengths.
We have lived in four states and seven cities. When we move, I pack and unpack the boxes and my husband takes care of the logistical details—the timeline, the truck, and the people who will help us.
Pay attention to your spouse’s strengths. When you do, it can lighten your load, reduce arguments, and help your household function more smoothly.
3. Notice his acts of kindness.
I was pressing the heating pad against my abdomen when my husband handed me a cup. “It’s pineapple and ginger. I heard it’s really good for inflammation,” he said.
Pay attention to your spouse’s kindness; he might be giving clues as to how to care for him. Kindness begets kindness.
4. Notice him with your children.
My husband was adamant our children learn to play an instrument. Sometimes, between his drum, a guitar, and the piano, a live jam session erupts in our living room. On Father’s Day, I play a slideshow of photos and videos I recorded throughout the year. Although it’s a ritual, he watches it every year like it’s his first time.
Pay attention to your spouse and the way he interacts with your children. Is he the best piggyback giver, train builder, and bedtime storyteller? Noticing how he parents shows that while he parents differently, you are still parenting together.
5. Notice his personality.
“You want to get lost with me?” my husband asked in the first year of our marriage. I came into our life together as a single mother, so at the time, I thought his question was silly. I had too much to take care of, including another person! Although the chores were unending, my husband has a spontaneous personality and can step away from responsibilities to embrace rest.
I finally accepted his invitation. Minutes into the drive, my toddler fell asleep. My husband and I shared music, laughed, and grew more in love. When you pay attention to your spouse and notice his personality—even the parts that are different from yours—embrace what you see. That’ll stretch you sometimes, but it can also enrich you.
6. Notice his wisdom
“Our bedroom is not our children’s playroom,” my husband said when he stepped on a LEGO. Our children are welcomed for Saturday morning cuddles, but otherwise, I keep our bedroom door closed. It took me some time to recognize my husband’s wisdom, but now, our bedroom remains the most peaceful space in our home.
A husband’s wisdom is valuable to his wife—but not until she notices it. Look for the wisdom your husband brings to your life. Maybe he is a great discerner of character or someone who sees the bigger picture. Noticing that he’s wise in this way lets him know you value his thoughts and presence in your life.
What else do you try to notice about your husband to grow in appreciation for him?
This article was written by Kadine Christie.
