My son and I were almost home from a quick walk, and he asked, “Can we keep going?” We did, and as soon as we turned the corner, his eyes welled up with tears, and he started sobbing. “Whoa! What’s wrong?” I asked. He spilled: “I don’t want you to go out of town. I’ll miss you.” He’d been holding in a lot since learning I was going to be gone for three days. I wanted to say the right thing to stop the tears and help him realize it was no biggie, but I knew he needed more.
This was an opportunity to help him work through his emotions. According to Dr. John Gottman, emotion coaching is about helping children navigate emotions with self-awareness and healthy coping skills. It takes patience and intentionality from you, but it’s worth it. Here are 5 steps to help your child with emotion coaching.
Step 1: Be aware.
The first step is to notice your child’s emotions. Look for clues in her facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. Is she frowning, fidgeting, or speaking in a higher pitch? Pay attention to these subtle signs, as they can reveal a deeper emotional state.
My friend has noticed that when her daughter is stressed, her response to almost everything is, “I don’t know.” She becomes paralyzed. My friend knows these three words indicate there’s more going on beneath the surface, and her daughter needs extra attention.
Step 2: Listen with empathy.
Now that you’ve noticed something’s up, it’s time to listen. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and use empathic statements to acknowledge your child’s feelings. “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated” or “I see you’re upset” can work wonders. This validates emotions and shows that you understand.
Step 3: Validate. Don’t minimize.
Did anyone else grow up being told to “stop crying, or I’m gonna give you something to cry about?” I survived hearing it, but man, it’s a doozy. It tells the child to stuff away whatever he’s feeling, which, by the way, isn’t a big enough deal to cry over.
Resist the urge to minimize your child’s feelings. Statements like “It’s nothing to cry about!” or “Shake it off!” can actually dismiss his experience and make him feel unheard. Instead, validate his feelings by telling him it’s OK to feel sad or that you understand why he’s angry.
By the way, you don’t have to agree with your child. If your son is upset that he didn’t get the brownie he wanted, try not to say, “Who cares! You still got a brownie!” For whatever reason, that corner piece mattered to him. Actually, I know the reason. Corner pieces are superior. That boy needs a hug.
Step 4: Help label emotions.
When my son was sad about me traveling for work, he said, “I’m going to miss you.” But after we dug a little deeper, he was able to identify that he was also nervous about shaking up our routine.
Often, children struggle to express their emotions clearly. This is where labeling comes in. Help your child identify specific emotions he’s experiencing by saying things like “Are you disappointed?” or “Maybe you’re feeling scared.” This builds an emotional vocabulary and allows your child to communicate his needs effectively. Our printable feelings wheel can also be a helpful tool.
Step 5: Navigate Together.
Once your child is calmer and you’ve acknowledged her emotions, you can explore problem-solving strategies together. Ask open-ended questions, like “What led up to this that you could’ve done differently?” or “What can you do to help yourself feel better?” This empowers your child to participate and take ownership of finding solutions.
Does emotion coaching create “soft” kids?
When my 74-year-old dad hears me say to my sons, “I know you’re upset, and I get it.” I can feel his suck-it-up parenting style radiating off of him. My dad and I have talked about the balance I’m trying to strike between emotion coaching my kids and coddling them. Emotion coaching helps kids become aware of how they’re feeling, but it doesn’t excuse bad behavior. Acknowledging emotions doesn’t mean you don’t still have to do hard things.
Is it worth the effort?
We didn’t get much emotion coaching as kids, and we turned out OK, right? Maybe? To be sure, emotion coaching takes time and energy—two things many of us are short on these days. But research published in the National Library of Medicine shows children who are coached have better social skills and fewer emotional and behavioral problems like anger, anxiety, and acting out.
Emotion coaching is especially important if you have young boys. By the time boys reach adolescence, if they haven’t been encouraged to work with and through their emotions, they’re going to face an uphill battle with school and social stressors. Despite strides we’ve made as a culture, it’s still looked at as “different” for a boy to be emotionally in tune.
So yes, emotion coaching’s worth the effort. And want to hear an encouraging fact? Dr. Gottman found that using an emotion coaching approach just 30 to 40% of the time is enough to reap the benefits. Remember—emotion coaching is an ongoing journey, not a one-time fix, and you’re the perfect mom for the job.
Your child might say he’s sad or mad, but what other emotion is often under the surface?
