I heard a crash in the next room and jumped up to see what happened. My kids stood next to a cracked ceramic planter, dirt pouring out of it. I set my jaw and turned to face them. “What happened?” They both started explaining and finger-pointing at the same time. I held up my palms. “Look. I know you didn’t mean to break my pot, but playing tag inside isn’t a good idea.” Guilty looks passed between them, but the tension noticeably decreased. Why? For one reason.
When our kids misbehave, it’s natural to want to chew them out and assign punishments. But if we pause and instead start by assuming the best in them, some wonderful things happen. Here are 4 times it helps to give kids the benefit of the doubt.
1. When They’re Tired
“I know you’re tired, punkin,” I said. “But we have to leave in a half hour.” My daughter cracked open one eye and offered me a sleepy smile. When you start off a conversation by giving your child the benefit of the doubt (she didn’t mean to keep sleeping past her alarm), it creates a more positive mood. And the chances of cooperation increase.
Licensed clinical social worker Joseph Sacks says, “Parenting with the benefit of the doubt means always assuming the child had good intentions, that from his point of view, the mistake was the logical choice, but stressors and inexperience prevented him from making a wiser one.” Because kids are still developing impulse control, we can give them the benefit of the doubt when they make mistakes. Doing so will help cut down on conflicts and create a more positive learning environment at home.
2. When They Don’t Seem to Notice Their Surroundings
I had pasta boiling on the stove and the sweet smell of caramelized onions wafted through the kitchen. Well, at least I thought it did. I couldn’t believe it when my kids they came in the back door and threw their books on the dinner table. “Hey guys,” I said. “You probably didn’t realize dinner was almost ready. Maybe you can help by removing your books and helping me set the table?” Assuming the best (rather than the worst) in our kids creates a warmer atmosphere at home and tells them you believe in their goodness.
3. When They Have a Lot on Their Plates
In fifth grade, my son started to feel the pressure of getting good grades. He had more homework than previous years and he also balanced sports and music lessons after school. It got a little overwhelming. On occasion, he’d have stomach aches before school and didn’t want to go. “You’ve been getting a lot of tummy aches lately,” I said one morning. “Could it be you’re feeling stressed at school?”
Sacks says, “[C]hildren see themselves the way their parents see them, so by truly viewing them in a positive light you are creating true self-esteem…” Giving him the benefit of doubt tells him you believe in his goodness no matter what. It’s also better for his emotional health and for your relationship.
4. When They Say or Do Something Hurtful 
“Hey, that’s not like you to go after your brother,” I said. “What’s going on?” My daughter sighed, her eyes on her cereal bowl. After some conversation, I found out she’d forgotten to do her math homework the night before and was nervous about heading to school. So, she was acting out. It’s not an excuse, but it puts things in perspective and makes it easier for me to address.
When you give your kids the benefit of the doubt, you’re letting them know you don’t see their behavior as an ingrained fault or mark on their character. We can be disappointed, and they need to know certain behaviors are unacceptable. But they also need to know we don’t think this is who they are. When you say “that’s not like you,” their self-worth doesn’t take a hit.
Download our free Kindness Challenge for Moms to build a stronger relationship with your child!
If you’ve been more critical of your child in the past, how can you give him the benefit of the doubt next time he misbehaves?
