A friend of mine had her first child at 42. Now she’s in the toddler phase and called me crying that her little girl has a biting problem. She said, “Caroline bit three other kids at preschool yesterday. She’s some kind of ferocious beast!” I held back laughter because I know that in the grand scheme of parenting, this is such a small blip. Meanwhile, my kids are in high school, college and post-grad and I kinda wish I was back in the biting phase. It’s a lot easier to discipline and guide a 30-pound kid who snacks on dry Cheerios than a 23-year-old man who can drive off and not call for a week.
Parenting an adult problem child who is making choices you disagree with tears a mother’s heart apart. What do you do if your adult child is making a host of poor decisions and wrecking his or her life before your eyes? It’s no longer as simple as imposing a consequence or taking away a privilege to encourage better behavior. The answers lie in the messy place between realism and high ideals. There’s only so much you can do, but you’ve got to try. After all, he’s your child! Use these 5 principles for parenting problem adult children and take it one day at a time.
1. Establish a new set of rules.
Acknowledge that your child is now an adult and that the relationship must be different for that reason. But here’s the kicker: It changes in both directions. Just as you shouldn’t expect to set the agenda for their lives and make decisions for them, they can’t expect you to provide for them, absorb the consequences of their poor planning or decision-making, or shield them from the realities of adulthood. The mantra of parents of adult children should be: you deserve to be treated like an adult, and I deserve a break from parenting a child.
2. Use discretion.
There’s a difference between enabling bad choices and lending a helping hand. For instance, if your young adult child is struggling to find a good job, but is working hard at it every day, providing some financial help to bridge the gap is a loving, encouraging thing to do. But if your adult kid is out of work and not particularly motivated to fix that, or is out of work because he believes that he has the right to do nothing until the perfect job comes along, your help may be just prolonging the agony for everyone.
A little discomfort is a motivator. Let your child do without some things he values until he wants those things enough to work for them. That tiny apartment, the relentless menu of canned soup and Ramen Noodles, the inability to indulge in the luxuries some of his peers enjoy—these things can be a quick motivator.
3. Stick to your core values.
Sometimes adult children make decisions that directly conflict with your family’s values. And while you can’t force them to embrace your beliefs or live in line with them, you can, and should, remind them that straying outside of how they were raised comes at a cost. Whether the issue is substance abuse, relationships and sex, or financial responsibility, doing whatever you want can come with real and lifelong consequences.
You’ll have to use wisdom to know the right time and place to express your concerns, but don’t stay silent. Remind your problem adult child that there are reasons you raised him with the values you did and warn him of the consequences of his actions.
4. Don’t nag.
Preaching to your adult child every time you see him won’t do a thing to strengthen your relationship. In fact, it will probably push him away. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. If you see your child poised to make a terrible financial decision (like purchasing a car you know he can’t afford), say simply and succinctly that you think it’s a poor choice and that you won’t be available to clean it up for him later. Then don’t.
No matter how much it kills you to watch him have to sell the car they love, or lose it to a creditor, keep your hands in your pockets and your mouth shut. Fewer words and more meaningful actions can communicate the message without drowning the relationship in a sea of verbal conflict.
5. Remember your grandchildren.
Many parents of problem adult children say it’s one thing to play the tough love card with your child when it only affects her, but it’s infinitely more complicated when a grandchild comes into the picture. We’d like to tell you there are simple answers here, but there aren’t. It all depends on your child and the circumstances. Pray hard about how you can positively influence the situation without further enabling your child’s bad habits. It might look like offering help that can only benefit the grandchild without entrusting money or resources to your child for her to squander. It might look like intervening to make sure your grandchild has exposure to church or other positive influences to counter some of the negative influences around him. Helping in these situations requires a tender heart and a solid backbone. Pray for wisdom to handle it well.
Are you the parent of a problem adult child? How do you respond?
