“You can’t make me do anything!” my 4-year-old defiantly shouted at me. There we stood at a naptime face-off. And rather than draw my “You-Better-Do-as-I-Say” Mommy Card, I took a deep breath and chose the calm parenting approach instead. I quietly disarmed her by saying, “You’re right. I can’t. But if you choose to disobey me, then the consequence will be no park this afternoon. It’s your choice.” (And, guys, it worked… that time.)
On an average day, our kids throw a lot our way. And while love might be the battlefield worthy of a rock song, motherhood is a battlefield we gear up for 24/7. Stay cool, calm, and collected in the trenches by practicing these 6 calm parenting tactics.
1. Be in the moment.
We got a lot going on as moms. Most of us are almost always thinking several steps ahead. Even before your child wakes up in the morning, you’ve probably already gone through an order of the day mentally, folded a load of laundry, and made breakfast. However, a research paper published in Media Psychology suggests multitasking makes it more difficult to focus and regulate your emotions. So, no wonder moms struggle with calm parenting sometimes. We’re trying to do too much!
Try it: Put down your phone, minimize distractions, and get down to eye level with your child. Focus solely on her and the moment you’re sharing together, whether it’s asking your child to put on her shoes or inquiring about a snack.
2. Establish routines and rituals.
It’s true in football and parenting. The best defense is a good offense, and that’s where routines and rituals come into play. Routines help children feel safe and secure. They give an order to the day so a child knows what comes next (and what is expected of him). Rituals are those intentional heart-connection moments your family does in your routines. It’s that butterfly kiss at bedtime or signing “I love you” when your child hops out of the car for school. Used together, routines and rituals limit meltdowns and increase bonds, which helps you avoid situations where calm parenting is tested.
Try it: Create a wake-up routine for school by quietly playing your child’s favorite song in the morning.
3. Practice empathy.
Your child isn’t an empathy expert, but he’s learning by watching you. So, when your child starts to go off the deep end emotionally, seek to understand (and address) the why rather than seek to win the battle. This shift in focus can help you take the calm parenting approach.
Try it: If your child pushes back when it’s time to stop playing a video game, say: “I hear you. I know it’s disappointing to stop your game, especially when you’re in the middle of something. Let’s find a good stopping point together.”
4. Create clear boundaries and rules for behavior.
Kids thrive when they understand the rules (and the consequences of breaking one). Plus, setting clear behavior expectations helps your child develop important life skills, such as self-discipline, accountability, and respect for others. Those clear boundaries provide consistency in your parenting, too. So, rather than dishing out punishment in a heated moment, you’ve already predetermined what to do.
Try it: Before a playdate, remind your child of your house rules. Then, if you find yourself and your child at a standoff, be clear about your child’s choices by saying something like this: “Remember, In our home, we share our toys. If you choose not to share with your friend, then your new truck will be put away for two days.
5. Model calm behavior.
On an extra turbulent flight, I always look to the flight attendants. If they look and act calm, then I can relax, too. Your child feeds off of you in much the same way. In her book The Gentle Parent, author L.R. Knost writes, “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” Mom, sometimes that means we may need to take deep breaths and count to 10 (or 110).
Try it: When your child yells at you in frustration or anger, instead of matching her volume, lower your voice to a whisper. It’s like water to her fire. And, yes, this is easier said than done.
6. Take a break when you need one.
Our kids might not come with instruction manuals, but they seem to carry around one for us. How else would they be able to push our buttons like a boss? So while calm parenting might be your ideal approach to motherhood, most of us simply can’t be chill all the time. That’s why houses come with bathrooms, so we can hide in there and get ourselves together.
Try it: When a situation gives way to rising temperatures and voices, be OK with stepping away into another room. This will give you and your child both time and space to cool off.
How do you practice calm parenting?
