My brain pulsed as I listened to my soon-to-be 13-year-old go on and on about a boy she liked (and who likes her back). I questioned how we reached the point where boys are a thing when what felt like five minutes ago, she was brandishing her magic wand and banishing bad fairies. I felt ill-equipped to deal with her excitement over the boy who asked her to the Halloween dance. Fortunately, she’d be on her class trip to Washington, D.C. that day and not at the dance, which was a relief.
But then she mentioned a future school dance, and I realized I couldn’t delay this any longer. If she was beginning to take an interest in boys, there were things she needed to know about young relationships, even if it’s not full-fledged dating. The same is true for your daughter. If you’re wondering what to say and how to talk to your daughter about her first crush, here are 5 things she needs to know.
1. You can have your crush and keep your friends, too.
Your daughter needs to understand friends will be around before boys take notice and after they’ve gone their separate ways. But that doesn’t mean she should abandon her friendships. If she sits with her crush at lunch, she’ll isolate her friends and not have that outside perspective from girls who know her best. Even as preteens, girls notice how a boy behaves, and if they’re good friends, they’ll point out if he’s not worth your daughter’s time. If she really likes the boy, encourage her to invite him into her friend group.
2. If he doesn’t want to meet your parents, he isn’t ready to hang out with you.
I made it clear to my daughter that her dad and I have to meet the boy before she spends any time outside of school with him, even if it’s sitting together at the school volleyball game. By asking to meet him, you’ll learn if he’s willing to meet you. That sounds obvious, but if he says no to an introduction, then he’s not a boy your daughter should be spending time with. On top of getting to know him, a meetup means he gets to know you and can hear your expectations for how he treats her.
3. He can have some of your attention, just not all of it.
As the quiet new girl most of my adolescence, I didn’t have boys who liked me. But, I had friends who had tons of boys who liked them. When a new boy came along, other things got pushed to the background, including me. As I talked to my daughter about her first crush, I helped her understand that he could take up some space in her life, just not all of it. If your daughter’s life is wrapped up in a boy, it becomes hard for her to imagine life without him, and she may prolong a relationship that’s not meant to be.
4. Kissing is special, too. Save it for later.
In middle school, boys were gross, and I had no interest in them. I didn’t kiss a boy until I was almost 17. My preteen, however, may get there a little sooner. I told her kissing is great when it’s with someone who really cares about you. She made gagging noises and pointed out how Dad and I kiss all the time, so clearly, we care about each other a bunch. Some preteen girls are already interested in kissing and a lot of kids feel like it’s no big deal, but a kiss is special. It’s hard for a mom to reason with hormones, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell your daughter what is appropriate behavior for her age.
5. No, you may not be alone with him. Because hormones. That’s why.
As my husband tells it, all boys are hormone-crazed starting at kindergarten, and it never goes away. That may or may not have created a certain amount of unease in my heart. While talking to my daughter about her first crush, I reminded her of the house rule where there is no alone time. They’re not ready for the complex emotions created by physical situations and shouldn’t be allowed to be in a situation where they are left to act on impulses.
How have you talked to your daughter about her first crush? Did you lay out some ground rules?
