“Just ask your teacher for help,” I said in response to my 10-year-old, who couldn’t figure out her math homework. At least, that’s what I thought I said, but based on her reaction, I clearly suggested something drastic. “I guess I’ll just fail then,” she huffed and puffed up the stairs.
You might be surprised to learn that asking for help seems inconceivable to many children. Even kids as young as five may struggle. According to research, kids hesitate primarily because they don’t want to appear dumb in front of others. So they choose to struggle in silence instead (or, in my daughter’s case, they stomp away from the idea). Thankfully, seeking help is a learned behavior. If you suspect your child struggles with asking for help, use these 5 strategies to show raising your hand is actually a genius move.
1. Be a safe space where questions are welcomed.
You are your child’s first and best teacher. By creating a judgment-free environment, you communicate to your child that curiosity and asking questions is a natural part of learning. Knowing the answer and seeking help when you don’t are both signs of intelligence.
When you address your child’s questions with patience and respect, you build his confidence in exploring the world around him. Your openness reassures your child that his inquiries are valued, reducing the fear of judgment or reprimand. And encouraging your child to be inquisitive helps spark a love of learning! For example, you could say things like: That’s such a great question. What made you think to ask that? I love how your mind works! Your curiosity is one of the things I love about you. Thank you for asking that. You made a smart choice to ask me about it.
2. Lead by example.
As moms, we don’t need Neighborhood Watch or an HOA to monitor our every move. We’ve got kids to do that. Even when you don’t realize your child is watching and listening, well, there she is, watching and listening. If your child sees you asking for help (and not making a big deal about it), she’ll be likelier to do the same.
Of course, you can eventually find that item by wandering around the store for 10 minutes. And, yes, you can lift with your knees to move the den furniture around by yourself, too. But by letting your child witness you asking for help, you show her that it’s OK to do the same.
3. Acknowledge and praise him when he asks for help.
While this idea seems simple, it packs a powerful punch. Positive reinforcement leads to repeated behavior. Effective praise can look like encouraging your child when you hear him asking for help. For example, “You’re such a problem-solver. I love how you took the initiative to ask for help with that math problem you couldn’t figure out on your own. Sometimes, being a problem-solver means knowing when to raise your hand.”
4. Role-play scenarios with her.
By practicing asking for help, your child will build confidence, develop communication skills, and reduce fear or anxiety. Role-playing will also help her try out different ways to seek assistance and reinforce the idea that asking for help is a positive and constructive choice.
Role-playing can happen anywhere. Try it the next time you’re in the car together. Side-by-side conversations can be easier for many kids. For example, say something like this: If you need help opening your Thermos at lunch, who could you ask? What would you say? If you can’t find the next Junie B. Jones book on the shelf, what could you say to the librarian?
5. Point out when your child helps others.
When you witness your child helping someone else, briefly talk about it later. For example, ask: Did you feel good helping your friend when he asked for it? Did you think he should’ve already known the answer or been able to do that without your help? Do you think differently about your friend because he needed help?
These types of guiding questions can reduce any stigma or fear your child might associate with asking questions or seeking assistance himself. Plus, they create an environment where mutual support is normalized, encouraging your child to feel more comfortable and confident.
What have you found works to teach your child why asking for help is important?
