“So I have to tell my friends my mom says no?” That’s the text my friend Grace’s daughter, Aubrey, sent her after Grace said no to her request to leave campus for lunch. All of Aubrey’s friends’ parents gave permission, but Grace didn’t think it was safe for 14-year-olds to leave campus. Grace said she could feel Aubrey’s eye roll through the text.
On top of being annoyed that Aubrey was upset with her, Grace was ticked that she was the only parent who seemed to be bothered by the idea. Have you ever felt like the only mom who says no? It can bring thoughts and feelings that make it difficult to stick to your guns. Here are 5 of those feelings you’re probably wrestling with and how to respond to them.
1. You feel torn.
Being the mom who says no might make you wonder if you’re being overprotective. “Should I just get him a phone?” my friend Cara asked me about her 12-year-old son. He felt left out of his friend group because everyone else chatted after school. But she didn’t think he was ready. The other parents think their boys could handle the responsibility.
If this is how you feel… remember to think long-term. What would be best for Cara’s son now might be to have a phone so he can connect with his buddies, but in the long term, she didn’t think starting him with a phone at age 12 was in his best interest.
2. You feel lonely.
Another friend’s daughter got invited to a co-ed after-prom slumber party. My friend gave it a hard no. Because she said no, she also didn’t get invited to the gathering of moms who were planning the party. It’s hard to be the parent not doing the popular thing. It’s emotionally (and sometimes physically) lonely not to have the support and solidarity of a mom friend.
If this is how you feel… look in the mirror and repeat to yourself some of the wisdom you’ve surely shared with your kids about popularity and being an independent thinker. Here’s a good one: “What’s right isn’t always popular, and what’s popular isn’t always right.”
3. You feel scared.
My son is 13 and doesn’t have a phone yet. He won’t be allowed on social media when he does eventually get one. I dread the battle that may ensue and fear that he’ll pull away or hide things from me because I’m the “mean mom.”
If this is how you feel… remember kids thrive on rules enforced with love and reason. They might pull away a little, but they won’t go far if they know you love them. And don’t discount the possibility your child wants you to say no so she has an excuse not to do something that makes her feel uneasy, like that post-dance sleepover.
4. You feel angry.
Closely related to the lonely feeling you might have as the mom who says no is the anger or frustration that builds. When other people don’t care about the same things you care about, it makes this parenting thing harder for you. When my sister said no to my niece going to a rated-R movie when she was 12, she said to me, “It really irks me that the other moms are OK with this. C’mon!”
If this is how you feel… remember that different families have different rules and ways they’re raising their kids. You can only control your actions. And don’t be afraid to speak up to the group about why you’re saying no. You might give another mom the courage to put her foot down, too.
5. You feel overwhelmed and tired.
Being a good mom isn’t easy. That’s just the plain ol’ truth. Saying no when others are saying yes is tiring, and your child might come back at you with intense emotions that leave you feeling like you should just give up and give in. And to make it more overwhelming, you know that sometimes it’s OK to bend the rules. All of these decisions are a lot to handle.
If you feel this way… don’t be afraid to tell your child you need time to think. Being flexible with a rule can be a good opportunity to discuss the reasons behind your yeses and nos. With the right intentions, you could go from the mom who says no to the mom who listens to her child and has open discussions about why you make the parenting decisions you do.
What feeling do you wrestle with when you feel like the only parent in the group saying no?
