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5 Ways to Tweak Your Language to Empower Your Daughter

A surprise package arrived the other day from my parents. Because my daughter and I couldn’t control our excitement, we tore off the masking tape and opened it, even though my son hadn’t yet gotten home. Beneath all the little toys and candy, she found a couple t-shirts. One had pink sharks on the front, and the other said “Genius in residence.” Can you guess which one she thought was for her and which one for her brother? In a split second, I made a decision: “I think Grandma put both shirts in for you.” My daughter, gazing down at the genius shirt, smiled to herself.

The words we use to describe our children matter. And particularly for girls, these words can have power to lift or deflate. By making these 5 tweaks to your language, you can empower your daughter.

1. Unless you’re talking about a puppy, drop the word “cute.”

“I don’t want to be called cute.” After days of gloomy silence, my daughter finally told me what was on her mind: “Puppies are cute. I’m cool.” It took me weeks to stop defaulting to the word “cute.” But doing so forced me to find other words to describe her: cool, creative, innovative, thoughtful.

Tweaking your word choice can empower your daughter. In this short LEGO film, a girl named Matilda says, “Sometimes I don’t want my work to be ‘cute.’” That particular word can feel diminishing to girls. It downplays their efforts. Whether your daughter has built a pillow fort or performed a dance with her sister, find a word that more accurately describes what she’s done: dynamic, ingenious, perceptive, focused.

2. Use words that describe her abilities and contributions.

Yes. I do tell my daughter she looks beautiful, but I don’t make that the only thing I say. I want her to know her actions, abilities, and contributions are noticeable and praiseworthy too. I would rather my kid spend hours writing a story or building a fairy garden in the back yard than hours in front of the mirror. You are so imaginative, inventive, detailed.

Psychologist Lisa Damour says in her book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, “Girls who can point to their meaningful contributions and burgeoning skills have reliable ways to feel good about themselves as they move into adolescence.” Tell your daughter she’s powerful, clever, determined.

3. Encourage a mindset of growth and effort.

Strong daughters aren’t born strong. Rather, they grow into that strength. We can help by tweaking our words and our focus. Praising their effort (not the outcome) can empower girls. In Damour’s book Untangled, she cites the research of psychologist Carol Dweck: “Girls with a growth mindset embrace challenges” while “girls with a fixed mindset…fear challenges.”

We can help our daughters believe that, with effort, their talents can grow by shifting our language. Be realistic but encouraging: You’re tackling this challenge like a champ. By welcoming feedback from your teacher, you’re taking steps to learn. I like how your friend Sasha inspired your drawing.

4. Eliminate “perfect” and “perfection” in everyday conversations.

My daughter showed off her cursive signature. “Perfect!” I said. I know I’ve said this word too many times. It means faultless, or free of all flaws. So, what’s she going to think when the stakes get higher? When she inevitably fails? Will she still be able to show me her work? Sometimes as moms, we feel like we have to be perfect too. But it’s totally unrealistic. I don’t want my daughter growing up expecting perfection from herself, so making an effort to pick my words carefully now will help change her thinking and the demands she places on herself years from now.

The LEGO film mentioned above “explores how the ‘pressure of perfection’ and everyday language impacts girls’ creative confidence from as young as five.” Five! Whether a girl is building a LEGO scene or fixing her own ponytail, the word “perfect” has a negative effect. Instead, use these words to encourage girls to keep at it, to work hard, and to rise above her setbacks: epic, fierce, brave, charismatic, conscientious.

5. Find new words to describe your daughter that might traditionally be used for boys.

These days, more girls are enjoying traditionally boy-focused STEM activities such as coding and robotics. Though it’s not wrong to favor more traditionally feminine activities like playing dolls or house, we can still think harder about how we describe our daughters. If you want to empower your daughter, try to think outside the box.

“Society is more likely to attribute the terms pretty, cute, and perfect to girls while the terms cool, genius, and innovative are twice as likely to be attributed to boys’ projects,” says journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace. As moms of daughters, let’s try to think about what words will build them up. Strong daughters are unafraid to go after their dreams, whatever they are. Tell yours she’s capable, goal-oriented, insightful, adventurous.

How do you empower your daughter to reach her goals?

ASK YOUR CHILD...

If you could invent a robot to help you with anything, what would it do, and what would you name it?

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