“You sure about this? It’s awfully high.” My inner-chicken was coming out as my son and I stood at the bottom of a rock climbing wall and stared straight up. “You’ve got this, Mom. Don’t be scared,” he coached. I thought, Man, I wish I had half of the I-can-do-it attitude my kid has.
That I-can-do-it attitude has an official name: self-efficacy. It’s a belief that you’re capable of succeeding. Children with high self-efficacy are more likely to tackle challenges. They see difficulties as obstacles to overcome, not walls to stop them, and it empowers them to become independent learners and problem-solvers. Ready to build it in your child? Try these 4 ideas that will help grow an I-can-do-it-attitude.
1. Give her an opportunity for a mastery experience.
When my husband was a church youth minister and on a retreat in the mountains, he showed the teens where they’d be gathering one night for a fireside session. As he pointed to the top of a steep hill, a couple of perceptive teens pointed out that there was no seating or fire pit. He explained, “You guys are building the benches and the pit.” Several hours, splinters, and beads of sweat later, they’d created a space where they could gather and an experience none of them would ever forget.
You might not be able to send your kid up a mountain to build a fire, but mastery experiences show your child he can muster what it takes to succeed. They are the most influential source of self-efficacy according to psychologist Albert Bandura who introduced the concept back in the 1970s. A mastery experience for a 4-year-old might be building a skyscraper with blocks or buttoning up his shirt. For a 12-year-old, maybe it’s mowing the lawn without any help from Dad or learning to play a song on the piano.
2. Show him other people succeeding.
If you’ve ever signed up for a workout program after seeing before-and-after pics, you know how seeing others achieve can help build an I-can-do-it attitude in yourself. Bandura called this a vicarious experience or social role model.
My friend’s son Max loves basketball but is… vertically challenged. Max’s dad showed him videos of NBA’s Spudd Webb winning the 1986 slam dunk contest at just five foot seven. Watching this guy fly made Max believe he could, too, and he tried out for (and made) his high school team.
3. Speak words of encouragement.
“You have what it takes.” My friend Megan’s husband says that to their 4-year-old son every night at tuck-in. She beamed with pride when she overheard her little guy talking to himself while putting together a LEGO set: “I have what it takes!” Yes. You or another adult mentor telling your child he’s capable can actually convince him he is!
The key to the success of “persuasive words,” as Bandura calls them, is to create an environment that supports your child as she tries to achieve. Just saying that “you can do it” and walking away can lead to failure and make your child doubt your words in the future. So if your middle schooler is trying to ace her Spanish test, couple your persuasive words with an offer to run through flash cards. You’re giving her a boost and showing her she’s worth the investment of your time.
4. Reroute the frustration to become motivation.
Frustration is a natural part of the learning process. Bandura found that the way we respond to that inevitable frustration impacts self-efficacy. If your child is trying to do a puzzle and can’t get the pieces to fit, her brow might furrow and she might clench her teeth. When you notice this, help create a mental link for her. Have her take a deep breath and connect her physiological response to the positive thought “I can conquer a challenge” instead of a defeating thought: “This is too hard.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy said when she noticed her child was frustrated over a puzzle, instead of helping her finish, she would say, “The feeling you get when you think you can’t do something and then you keep going and you do it is the best feeling. And I don’t want to take that feeling away from you.” Make space for frustration and use it to create new pathways for can-do thinking.
How do you respond when your child feels defeated? What’s your go-to method to build an I-can-do-it attitude?
