I don’t know if broken records exist anymore, but sometimes, as a mom, I sound like one—especially when I’m using positive words for kids. Got a decent grade on that math test? Good job! Put the trash on the curb without being asked? Good job! Invited the new girl to eat with you? Good job! Picked your hair off the bathroom floor to avoid an argument with your sister? Good job… and also gross!
Most of us probably say “good job” to our kids automatically. However, by being specific with our praise, we can favorably steer our kids’ development and our relationship with them. When we use positive words for kids to praise the process or highlight positive character traits, here are 5 things that happen.
1. We encourage resilience.
Do you remember sitting with outstretched arms toward your toddler as she learned to walk? You probably shouted “you can do it” 7,563 times during that phase. From the beginning, you’ve been helping your child know that when she falls down, she doesn’t need to stay down. She can get herself back up and try again. Use these words to encourage her to keep trying or to celebrate getting through a trial:
- Remind her she’s already resilient: “You’re resilient. You can overcome this challenge. Remember when you….”
- Praise the process of not giving up: “Look what you did! By not giving up, you showed yourself that you can do hard things.”
- Emphasize that failure is part of learning: “It’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. FAIL stands for first attempt in learning.”
2. We support healthy self-esteem.
Kids with healthy self-esteem feel confident, competent, and loved for who they are. Positive, affirming language—expressing love, belief in your child’s capabilities, and recognizing his individuality—bolsters your child’s self-worth. Your words become his inner voice. (And we all need a kind inner voice.) Consider using some of these positive words for kids:
- Remind him of your unconditional love: “No matter what, I love you just the way you are.”
- Reinforce his abilities: “You’re capable. I believe in you.”
- Celebrate his uniqueness: “You’re becoming quite the expert at [interest/hobby].”
3. We spur a growth mindset.
We never stop learning. As a mom, you get it. You’re constantly stretching whenever your child reaches a new developmental phase, picks up a new sport, or starts a new grade. Research shows praising your child’s efforts and the learning process instills a growth mindset in her, too. Think about this:
- Praise the effort, not the outcome: “You studied hard for that test. I’m proud of your focus.”
- Encourage improvement: “Congratulations! That was a great first game. You’ll get even better as you keep practicing.”
- Reinforce her ability to find solutions: “You’re a problem-solver even when you don’t immediately know the answer.”
4. We strengthen our bond.
Each time you actively listen and respond with empathy to your child’s thoughts and feelings, you show him that he’s valued, loved, and understood. Your responsive communication encourages a healthy attachment with you and helps your child feel
secure in your relationship. Try a few of these other positive words for kids to strengthen your bond further, or grab this download:
- Find different ways to say I love you: “I smiled today just thinking about you.”
- Let your child know his presence is enough: “You make my life better by being in it.”
- Point out something specific you appreciate: “Your laughter is the best sound in the world.”
5. We foster healthy communication.
“How was school today” should be called the “question heard ‘round the world.” After all, thousands of moms ask it daily. And the response from kids is mainly along the lines of “fine.” Our kids’ automatic response is the equivalent of our mechanical “good job” response to them. Yet, we keep asking because we care. The questions you ask and your words to your child create a safe space for her to talk to you about the things that matter to her. Try adding a few of these to the mix:
- Teach your child that asking for help is a sign of strength: “I believe in your ability to handle this, and it’s also OK to ask for help.”
- Assure her of your support: “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
- Encourage her to share her thoughts: “Your ideas and opinions matter to me.”
What question gets your child talking after school?
