“I always thought he was joking,” my friend said, admitting she never took her husband seriously in their early days when he claimed that “one kid’s enough.” She figured once they started a family, he’d experience the joy of fatherhood and be on board with her dream to have two or three kids. Now, their daughter was almost out of diapers, and he was still on the one-and-done train.
It can break a marriage when you and your partner disagree about having children. But the way you handle this major issue can actually bring you closer together if you approach it the right way. If you and your husband aren’t on the same page, here’s how to navigate the conversation and find common ground.
1. Make a plan to talk about it.
Deciding to have another baby is a huge deal, which means it’s likely you both feel passionate about your position. Sometimes, when we’re afraid of “not getting our way” on an issue we care deeply about, it’s easier just to ignore the problem and hope it works itself out.
When you and your partner disagree about having children, making a plan to talk it over will help keep feelings from festering and possibly prevent a blow-up that could do permanent damage to your relationship.
2. Share your dreams, not your demands.
If you want another baby, express your desire, but frame it as a heartfelt dream rather than a demand. “It makes my heart feel full to envision a minivan full of kids” goes down better than, “Oh, we’re having more, whether you like it or not.” Honesty fosters empathy and allows you to understand one another’s feelings better.
3. Seek to understand where the other is coming from.
This isn’t the time to brush off your debate team skills. It’s time to listen and connect. Sit down and ask each other questions like, “Can you help me understand why you feel this way?” Try empathizing with words like, “I hear you, and I get it.” I know when I feel heard, it softens me to the other person’s ideas.
My friend whose husband wanted one child opened up about feeling like his parents didn’t have time for him when he was a kid. He told her he wanted to give everything he had to their one child. Even though my friend saw it differently, she just listened and thanked him for being honest with her.
4. Dig deeper.
The first reason one of you gives for feeling the way you feel might not be the full story. You’ve got to dig. Maybe he doesn’t want another baby because you had post-partum depression, and he can’t watch you go through it again. Or perhaps you haven’t been honest with him about your struggle to balance work and family life, and that’s why you can’t imagine adding another child to the mix.
By going deeper you might discover there’s a resolution that puts you on the same page. The greater gift is that you’ll be growing in intimacy which always leads to a deeper bond.
5. Address practical concerns head-on.
Financial worries and logistical hurdles are real. If these are the main concerns, address them head-on. Look at your budget to see how another child might impact your finances. Research childcare options or discuss potential changes in work schedules. Sharing the responsibility shows your commitment to making it work.
6. Take a breather.
This probably won’t be solved in one conversation, so you might need to table it for a while. My friend was wholeheartedly opposed to having a third baby. But after her second child started preschool, she had a change of heart and told her husband she’d be open to another. When you and your partner disagree about having children, you might need to wait until you’re through a hard season, like the diaper years or a colicky baby.
7. Accept the decision.
Ultimately, a strong relationship is built on mutual respect. If, after honest exploration, you and your husband find yourselves fundamentally incompatible on this issue, someone has to give and honor the other’s wishes. This might be a heartbreaking realization, so leave room for grief. For one of you, life isn’t going to look like what you envisioned.
Remember, motherhood isn’t defined by the number of children you have. The love and joy you bring to your family, however big or small, is what truly matters.
How have you talked through having more kids? Were you and your husband always on the same page?