I’m beginning to suspect that my kids are in an ongoing battle of garbage can Jenga. But in this version of the game, instead of pulling out pieces, they pile up one item at a time, just waiting for the whole mess to topple. Who can put that final wadded-up paper towel or bit of pizza crust at the top of the heap before everything spills over? It’s a game that always ends with me shouting, “Does no one else see that the trash is full and needs to go out?”
Moms are typically the ones who notice a messy house—toothpaste globs in the sink, socks on the floor—and get frustrated that they have to be the chore czar. But if you want your kids to notice what needs to be done and become adults who understand that maintaining a house is everyone’s responsibility (praise hands emoji!), there are 5 small things to try.
1. Talk about the big picture.
I love a clean house and the ahhh feeling I get when my kitchen counter is clear of clutter. But I understand that not everyone gets that same feeling (especially kids), and that’s OK. So when my kids do something without being told, I try to remember to tell them how much it helps me. “When you noticed your papers were spread over the counter and then put them in your backpack, it took a weight off of me.”
It’s worth the effort to teach your kids how to help keep a house clean or tidy because it’s a practical example of what it means to be part of a family. Family members serve and support one another. They see each other’s needs and step in to help. It also shows our sons that it’s not a mom’s job to do everything. That’s a message they’ll carry into future relationships—a win far greater than a clean house.
2. Teach your kids to “notice and do.”
Instagram influencer Sam Kelly coined this phrase and uses the concept to help her kids learn how to participate in carrying the load of family life. That sounds like a tall order, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s possible.
She teaches “notice and do” by first talking about what their family’s standard is. Then she breaks it down into smaller steps by pointing out how to notice a messy house. For example, you could explain, “Our standard is that shoes go in the bin in the laundry room. When you walk by a room, look to see if there are any shoes on the floor. If there are, pick them up and take them to the bin.” This takes reiteration and patience!
3. Use the two-minutes-just-do-it rule
My husband has a personal rule that I’m trying to extend to the rest of the family. He says if he sees a task that can be done in two minutes or less, he’ll do it right then instead of waiting. He does tiny things like putting a few dishes in the dishwasher or throwing away the empty toilet paper roll sitting on the tank.
Teach your kids to combine this two-minute rule with “notice and do.” This requires a lot of coaching at first and cheering when the task is done. “Way to grab those books that’ve been in the car and put them back on your shelf. That was easy wasn’t it?”
4. Put tools within reach and teach them how to do the chore.
“I taught you how to clean the toilet! Why does it look like it hasn’t been cleaned in a month?” I shouted to my sons. My older son/spokesperson replied, “We don’t know where the brush is.” It was an excuse, but I understood. I invested $7 to buy a second brush and stored it behind the toilet in their bathroom. Having the brush in view created a handy reminder that they need to chip in.
The teaching part is important, too. Don’t assume they know how to do a chore. You might be surprised by the initiative your kids take when you teach them a new skill. Kids who feel empowered often like to show off what they can do.
5. Let them practice thinking for themselves.
If you want your kids to see the messy house and chip in, they need to learn to observe and analyze instead of just ask Mom for an answer. Again, this takes time and persistence.
When you say, “The garbage man comes tomorrow” and your son replies, “Does that mean I have to take the can to the curb?” try replying, “Good question. If you don’t take it, will it be overfull by next week?” Sam Kelly explains that instead of immediately answering your child’s question about household tasks, use their questions as a teaching moment and show them how to answer these questions for themselves.
What chore do your kids enjoy doing? Why do you think they like it?
