Full disclosure: I’ve made every single one of these mistakes. Numerous times. Maybe you have too. We want our kids to be resilient, to persevere in the face of challenges, but we’re going about it the wrong way. The good news is we don’t have to go down this road anymore. We can turn things around with awareness.
If you’ve struggled with how to teach resilience to your kids, avoid these 5 common mistakes. With time, you’ll likely see a change in your child. I’m working on it too!
1. Watch them too closely.
Why wouldn’t I want to watch my kids? I love them and I want to keep them safe. But neuropsychologist William Stixrud and educator Ned Johnson argue that supervising our kids’ play and monitoring their whereabouts at all hours “may lower our own anxiety” but “can make our kids more anxious.” It communicates that “I don’t trust you, and you can’t be safe without my supervision.”
Do this instead: To teach resilience and to make kids less anxious, Stixrud and Johnson suggest we convey more trust in our kids and ease up on our monitoring: “I trust that you can ask for help when you need it!” “Let’s think about the best ways of keeping you safe.”
2. Try too hard to cheer them up.
I don’t like seeing my kid sad or frustrated, and you probably don’t either. But all kids need to learn how to handle these feelings. “[I]f we want kids to develop emotional resilience, we cannot be the ones who always pull them out of hard emotions,” say Stixrud and Johnson. “We can unwittingly give our kids messages that ‘we don’t like’ those feelings, making it harder for them to bring those feelings to us when they really need to.”
Do this instead: Let your kids sit with their emotions but say “I’m here for you if you want to talk” and “It’s OK to feel sad (frustrated/angry/hurt).” Having these feelings helps them make sense of the world.
3. Ask a million questions.
When my son started at a new school, I asked every day if he’d made a new friend. I didn’t realize until much later that my questions stressed him out. Even though your questions may not state concern outright, asking so many, or on the same issue, “keeps the spotlight on something [your kid] may have moved on from or wants to move on from, or that [he] simply needs a break from,” say Stixrud and Johnson. The questions signal to him that you’re worried.
Do this instead: Start off by listening. If he knows you’re receptive, he’ll let you know when there’s a problem. You can also find a balance and say something like, “I know it’s been hard making new friends, and I’d like to talk with you here and there. How about we check in on Fridays?”
4. Pity them.
I realized I was feeling sorry for my kid when her best friend moved away. She’d come home and tell me she sat alone at lunch. I’d go into sad-face mode: “Awww, you poor thing!” Dwelling on it too long can turn it into pity. I realized later that by feeling sorry for her, I wasn’t equipping her with the resilience and confidence to go out and make new friends. So, while it might be natural to feel pity, we don’t want our kids to feel sorry for themselves. Rather, we want them to know we believe in them, so they believe in themselves too.
Do this instead: Validate how your child feels and empathize with what they’re going through, without minimizing it. Avoid over-the-top positivity. And instead of pity, communicate courage. If you want to know how to build resilience in your child, let her know you have confidence in her and that she can tackle whatever she’s going through.
5. Let them avoid it.
Many of us have made this mistake. We let our kids avoid tough decisions or skip an activity that causes them stress. But when we allow them to avoid things that make them nervous, we’re allowing that anxiety to remain—even grow. We’re validating their fears instead of encouraging our kids to face them.
Do this instead: Encourage your child to come up with his own strategy to cope. You could say, “I know you’re really nervous, but what can you tell yourself when you feel this way?” Stepping back so your child can find the skills to cope is how to teach resilience.
Have you struggled with how to teach resilience to your kids? What have you done (or not done) that’s worked?
