Sitting on my son’s bed, I wished I had night vision goggles because I couldn’t make out his expression at all. “Say that again?” I asked. My son shifted, and in a clearer, more forceful voice said, “But I didn’t do the best I could, so I feel like a failure!” Eek. My bedtime words of wisdom and encouragement totally backfired. What on earth had I said? You did the best you could. Ughhhhh. I felt horrible for making him feel horrible.
We mean well, but sometimes our messages to our kids come across as pressure from their parents. Being more aware of what we say and do and our impact on our kids could help remove some of that stress. Here are 5 ways we inadvertently put too much pressure on our kids.
1. Saying You Want Your Kid to Be Happy
Saying “I just want you to be happy” can sound like pressure to kids. It can make them think there’s something wrong with them if they’re unhappy. Learning how to handle a range of emotions is an important skill for kids, and it can build resilience. Telling them it’s OK to feel sad or frustrated is more helpful.
Also, if your child tends to be pretty negative, researchers from Harvard and Yale say, “When you’re joyful, your kids can become joyful simply by being around you.” Happiness is contagious. That being said, if you have anxiety about your kids’ grades or friendships, think about your behavior. Your kids are watching.
2. Telling Your Child He Has So Much Potential
“You have so much potential!” “You’re not living up to your potential.” Have you ever said these things? I know I have. And often, instead of seeing hope in my kid’s face, I find disappointment or sadness. What I thought was an encouraging statement is actually a negative one: You’re not good enough. You’re not living up to what I want you to be.
You may know your child’s not putting in enough effort or trying as hard as she could at something, but hold off on these words. They’re not encouraging for kids. Instead, they’re another form of pressure from parents.
3. Boasting About Your Child Online or to Friends and Family
We’re all a little guilty of bragging about our kids at times. And sometimes, it’s good for a kid to overhear you saying something great about him. But too much boasting can make your child feel pressure to live up to—or continue living up to—his past accomplishments. He could also get an inflated sense of self, which could be harmful when (not if) he fails at some point.
Instead of putting pressure on your kid by emphasizing his achievements, praise his character: his honesty, his trustworthiness, his humility. These are characteristics that are immeasurable and achievable.
4. Labeling Your Child Clever, Smart, Brilliant, etc.
We all want our kids to grow up with confidence, but if we call them “smart,” we’re telling them we expect them to do well. So, what happens when they don’t get an A? Or they fail a quiz? The kids who’ve been told they’re smart will think it’s because they weren’t smart enough. And researchers say that those kids are more likely to cheat in the future. “[C]hildren who are called ‘smart’ feel pressured to uphold this reputation so they cheat to make sure that their performance is consistent with being ‘smart,’ according to Cara Goodwin, PhD.
Praise your child instead for her hard work so when she fails, she’ll develop the determination and grit to keep going and keep working hard.
5. Putting an Enormous Amount of Your Energy into Their Schooling, Their Athletics, or Other Pursuits
Are you pouring a ton of energy into one of your kid’s pursuits? Traveling far and wide for the best coaches, camps, tutors, or clubs? If so, it might feel like unspoken pressure to your child to be the best at whatever it is.
I’ve had to take a hard look at myself on this one too. We want our kids to succeed and do well in life, but it’s hard to be a kid and have fun when we’re more into their activities than perhaps they are.
In what other ways might kids feel pressure from their parents?
