My friend told me her daughter Eva stresses a lot about school. And when she had a bio project and English research paper due the same week, she turned into a complete stressball. My friend said she’d gotten used to the venting and complaining. But Eva had tears in her eyes nearly every evening last week. Apparently, Eva’s attitude really meant, “I’m overwhelmed and miserable.” But then Eva took it to another level when she asked her mom, “How’m I gonna get into a good college if I fail bio?” At that point, my friend said she needed to talk with her daughter about success for teens and redefine what it means.
Our teens have been through things we haven’t at their age from virtual learning during the pandemic to worrying about who posted what on social media. To help our kids, we need to redefine what success for teens looks like. Here are 4 ways:
1. She feels good about herself.
Do you remember a point in your life when you finally started to think, “This is who I am. I don’t care what other people think anymore.” For me, it happened senior year. As kids figure out who they are, they gain “higher self-esteem,” says the Cleveland Clinic.
We can help our teens reach this good place by encouraging their efforts, praising good choices, and inspiring perseverance not just with grades but with other things as well. Think about it: If your teen has joined a new club, made some new friends, and enjoys at least a class or two, that’s success. She’s figuring out who she is and gaining confidence along the way.
2. He’s found balance in life and isn’t running on fumes.
I’ve seen my son burn out after giving his academics 100% week after week. It’s not good, and I’ve resolved to find a better way. When I stumbled across the following advice, I knew I’d found my answer: “The job of a ‘good student’…is to figure out when to give a subject your full capacity and when to pull back—even coast. Parents can give kids the confidence not to have to overwork,” says psychologist Lisa Damour in Jennifer Breheny Wallace’s book, Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—and What to Do About It.
The kid who’s been strategic with his time and found balance in his life is going to be happier and healthier. But you need to coach your child to be strategic in this way. Step in to help your child and give guidance because many kids struggle with knowing when it’s OK to let up. But when she does, her stress and anxiety will let up too. So, be there to teach her when and how to do it.
3. She senses that she matters and belongs.
During a low period in high school, I poured myself into writing and publishing articles in the school newspaper. I started to think what I did actually mattered because I’d gotten people talking about important issues.
If our kids find a way to make a difference in their school, their community, or even in their friendship circle, they’re going to gain confidence and develop a sense of belonging in this world. These experiences will shape their identity and personality in ways that’ll last long after the ink has dried on their high school diploma. That’s the sort of success I want for my teen.
4. He adds value to others’ lives.
When getting good grades is a teen’s sole focus, there’s little time left for others. While I appreciate how hard my teen works in school, I want to challenge him to find a greater purpose. Quoting renowned psychologist Christopher Peterson, Wallace says the secret to a meaningful life is “other people matter.” Success for teens isn’t just grades. If your child volunteers at her school or in her community, participates in a club that comes together to help others, or he is, on a basic level, a kind and thoughtful person, that is a sign of success.
“[T]he more you are able to add value to others, the more meaningful your life becomes,” says Wallace. Discussing and finding ways for your teen to add value at home or in the community can invigorate him. And it can help you both to redefine what success really means.
Success for teens is more than A’s and B’s. Where have you seen success in your kid’s life?
