My family sat at Cracker Barrel, hopping the little pegs around the triangle game as we waited for our breakfasts. The girl at the table beside ours was very unhappy—“There’s syrup touching my eggs!” The dad pleaded with her through gritted teeth, “But you like syrup!” They went back and forth like this for a while.
I looked at my older son and said, “That sounds familiar. You hate it when your food touches.” My son replied, “Yep, and I bet she’s gonna scream louder until he moves her eggs.” The dad was trying to help. He was reminding his daughter—You like eggs, and you like syrup. Everything’s fine! But her whines were evidence that this parent-child conflict was far from resolved. My son didn’t know it, but his observation summed up a simple truth that can help any parent in conflict with a child. Here’s what it is.
Children will keep communicating until they feel heard.
My son did what the dad hadn’t: acknowledged that the girl didn’t want her food to touch. It seemed irrational to the dad—food touching is no big deal, so he just addressed the obvious: All the food is tasty! He never said, I know you don’t like when your eggs get syrup on them. He just told her why what she felt didn’t matter. Sound frustrating? Yeah. I’d keep whining, too.
When our kids are whining, yelling, slamming doors, pouting—they are communicating. And parents often make the mistake of trying to fix the behavior instead of acknowledging what kids are saying.
This is especially true for little kids.
If you’ve ever tried to reason with a child who doesn’t want to leave a playground, you know even the most valid justifications can still lead nowhere. Things like we have to go home to eat lunch, it’s about to rain, or we can come back tomorrow don’t address the issue. Your child doesn’t want to leave, and you haven’t heard or acknowledged her yet. “I know you want to stay and play” won’t necessarily bring immediate peace, but acknowledging what your child is saying is a step in the right direction to resolving a conflict.
But big kids need it, too.
What about parent-child conflict with older kids? Even big kids will communicate until they feel heard. Their communication just looks different from the kid who’s whining about syrup on eggs. A kid who rolls his eyes or sneaks out or punches the wall or ignores you is communicating, albeit cryptically. You have to do extra work to figure out what he’s trying to tell you. When things are calm, you can say, “Your behavior isn’t acceptable, and we’ll deal with it eventually, but can you please tell me what’s really going on?” You might not get the words exactly, but looking deeper instead of just whipping out punishments during parent-child conflict will show him you’re trying to listen and connect.
And it’s essential to child development.
When we try to fix instead of listen and acknowledge, we are missing out on an important aspect of child development: validation. When kids feel validated and understood by people they love, they realize their emotions are meaningful. When people (children or adults) believe their emotions have meaning, they are less likely to suppress them or let them come out in unhealthy ways.
So how can you start hearing what your kids are communicating?
Repeat back what your child is communicating before you suggest a fix. When your daughter slams the fridge door and screams “I wanted Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the milk is empty!” instead of saying, “We’ll swing by the store, and you can have some tomorrow,” try, “You had a craving for cereal and your sister drained the last of the milk. Oof.” Validation doesn’t equal agreement. It just says, “I see you.” Any kid who’s trying to communicate will appreciate feeling understood and not just corrected. We all would.
When have you seen your child get frustrated over conflict?
