“When I picture him riding his bike to the Starbucks up the road, my first thought is that he’ll get snatched. Then I tell myself I’m worrying over something so unlikely. But then I think he could get hit by a car.” I nodded as my friend lamented to me about wanting to give her child independence but feeling paralyzed by fear.
I thought for a moment and then told her that the dangers of giving our kids room to take risks are possible but not likely. What is guaranteed, though, is that if we don’t give them independence, they’ll grow up unable to deal with life’s problems or to make healthy decisions for themselves. So how do we turn down the volume on thoughts like Hold them close. The world is scary! and crank up the ones that say This is a good thing. Be courageous! Here are 4 things to keep telling yourself.
1. The world is safer than my fear is telling me.
All right, I’m gonna hit you with some facts that will hopefully help you breathe a little easier. According to data from the National Institute of Justice, the risk of a minor getting abducted by a stranger is about one in 720,000, almost the cliché “one in a million.” The number of missing children’s cases fell by 27% from 2015 to 2022. And the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reported the number of pedestrians between the ages of 1 and 12 struck and killed by cars has fallen dramatically over the past two decades.
I told a friend this, and she said, “Stats are lower because we don’t let our kids out of our sights!” OK, but the population has also risen and those numbers still dropped. The point is, if it was safe enough for us to play independently when we were kids, then it’s safe enough for our kids to do it now. Safer even.
You might be thinking, “A low chance is still a chance, and I don’t want my child to be the one in a million who gets hurt.” I hear you, but if you live in a reasonably safe neighborhood, this is the point when you have to ask yourself if you’re thinking worst-case scenario. And if you are, consider if that’s a healthy place to parent from. (Hint: It’s not.) I often have to remind myself that God loves my kids more than I do and then release the fear.
2. My kids need to experience discomfort.
If you give a child independence, there’s a good chance she’ll eventually get hurt. She’ll fall down, get rejected on the playground, get lost while driving home from the football game across town. But this pain or discomfort is a positive consequence because as Jonathan Haidt explains in The Anxious Generation, kids are “antifragile.” That means they not only can get knocked down (resilience), they need to get knocked down occasionally to become stronger.
Here’s a good visual to explain why. In the late 1980s, an experiment to create an artificial ecosystem was a failure partly due to a tree problem. The trees grew, but they fell over before reaching maturity because the designer didn’t realize saplings need wind to grow properly. Wind bends the tree which strengthens its roots. It also changes the cell structure of the wood which helps the tree withstand stronger winds as it ages. Your child needs to experience his own winds to transform into a stronger version of himself.
3. I’m making an investment in their mental health.
Maybe you’ve read here on iMOM how giving a child independence can lead to confidence. As a mom, you’ll get to see all of that confidence in action. Your daughter will tell you how she defended a kid being teased on the playground. When the grocery cashier asks your son how he’s doing, you’ll notice he makes eye contact and responds politely.
But something else is happening under the surface that’s just as important. As Haidt says, that confidence they gain is “inoculating them to anxiety.” They approach the world in “discover mode” instead of from a place of fear and uncertainty. When we overprotect, our kids are unable to evaluate and handle risks. If they can’t determine what’s a threat, they feel threatened by everything, which means anxiety levels can skyrocket.
4. If I feel the need to protect, I still can.
But these are our babies, and what kind of moms would we be if we didn’t protect them? Our children do need us to protect them fiercely, just not as they play with neighborhood kids in the cul-de-sac. It’s time to direct our energy toward the virtual world.
Haidt points out that many parents won’t let their children out of their sights for fear of sexual predators, “but sex criminals nowadays spend most of their time in the virtual world because the internet makes it so much easier…” I can see my actions as a mother reflected in his declaration that “we are overprotecting our children in the real world while underprotecting them online.” I don’t fear the web as much as I do the bathroom at Walmart, but I realize I have it backward. So if we’re going to overprotect, overprotect around screens. Wait to introduce them to the virtual world and push them to play in the real world instead.
What kind of pep talk do you give yourself when you feel afraid to give your child independence?
