About two years ago, I experienced my first panic attack. I got a text with news that was the final straw on a pile of straws. My heart raced, my brain felt like a pinball being bounced from one side of my head to another, and I could hardly catch my breath.
A couple of days later, in a session with my counselor, she said, “You had a panic attack. Let’s talk about it.” I explained what had induced the attack (yes, it involved my kids), and after listening for a while, she said three words to me that have forever changed the way I think about how to get through a tough time. If you’re in the thick of parenting or a personal crisis, sometimes a few comforting words can make a difference. Here’s what my counselor said to me, plus 4 other things to say to yourself when you’re overwhelmed.
1. She said, “This is hard.”
I replied, “I know,” and she said, “Do you?” Hmm… That caught me off guard. I think I’d been telling myself I was struggling because I wasn’t strong enough or because I needed better boundaries. But when she acknowledged that what I was experiencing was difficult, a wave of self-compassion washed over me. This feels hard because it is, so cut yourself some slack.
We often think that because being a mom is “natural,” every parenting challenge should naturally be overcome with ease. But sometimes, the best strategy for how to get through a tough time is to acknowledge that it’s tough. When you do, you’ll stop feeling like you’re deficient in some way and realize you’re human.
2. “Some days are harder than others.”
Every mom knows there are days when you kill it and days when you feel like it might just kill you. Knowing how to get through a tough time starts with remembering it’s temporary. Some days start at 1 a.m. with one child crying, “Mama! I’m gonna throw up!” or end with another kid yelling “You’re the worst mom ever! I hate you!” But those 24 hours will come to a close, and a new day (hopefully a better one) will begin.
3. “It’s not my job to give my kids everything or create a perfect world.”
You’re not gonna like hearing this—sometimes we are the authors of our own problematic stories. The pressure we feel to give our kids the best experiences in school, in friendships, and at home leads us to take on way too much. The tough times we feel because we’re busy or tired stem from the belief that anything less than a perfect childhood will leave our kids with irreparable scars. That’s false. The sooner you let go of the idea that your children’s lives have to be perfect, you can also let go of all the pressure you feel to orchestrate that perfection.
4. “It’s not just OK if my children struggle; it’s good.”
One of my kids was struggling with friendships last fall, and I think I cried as much as he did, maybe more. At the same time, my other son was dealing with disappointment over losing an art contest he’d entered. I wanted so badly to make all of the hurt go away. But when that feeling rises up, I have to remember that struggles produce perseverance, problem solving skills, and the ability to think critically.
5. “I deserve the same kindness I extend to others.”
When my husband has a stressful week, I try to find ways to make life easier for him. I’ll make dinner (usually his job), ease up on my demands for little chores to be done around the house, and pull back on weekend plans so he can rest. Meanwhile, when I am in the thick of it—juggling work, kids, house, stress—I tell myself to get it together and try harder. I’d never say to my husband or a friend the harsh words I say to myself.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed with the demands of life or going through a tough time, treat yourself the way you’d treat someone you love.
What’s something you’ve told yourself when you were in a difficult season in life? Need more quick affirmations? Here are 25.
